When to Listen Versus Offer Solutions to Teens’ Problems

Watching our children struggle with life’s challenges is one of the hardest trials a parent can face. Too often, we feel the urge to solve their problems by offering a solution. Pediatrician and founder of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, Dr. Ken Ginsburg, explains, “It’s our version of wrapping them in bubble wrap to protect them from challenges the world sends their way. But offering solutions may end up sending them an unintended message – that you don’t believe they are capable on their own.”  

When we see our kids struggling, it’s important to know when to step in and offer a solution versus when to let them figure it out, even if that means failure. “Remember, most failures are temporary and are opportunities both for recovery and to rethink better or more innovative strategies to problem-solve,” Dr. Ginsburg says. Letting them experience these types of “safe” failures will help them build the skills they’ll need throughout their lives. It will help them build confidence in themselves and competence in different areas. 

Be a Sounding Board 

Sometimes your child may not come to you about a challenge they face. So, you may need to approach them and have a hard conversation. Let them know you want to talk, but more importantly, that you want to listen and support them as they work toward a solution.

There are plenty of common situations in which you can and should encourage them to find their own solutions. Here are some to consider. 

When they have academic or organizational struggles: Has your child forgotten their homework again and are now facing a lower grade? Do they constantly miss assignment deadlines? Were they not picked for their sports team? Did they miss getting the solo in the school choir? You know that the consequences they may face, while not pleasant, are natural and mostly manageable. Ask them, “What do you think you might be able to do to plan differently next time?” or “Are there solutions you can come up with to help you better manage your time?” or “What do you think you can do to help increase your chances of doing better the next time?” 

When they experience conflicts with peers and friends: Minor disagreements with friends are an ongoing part of friendships and peer groups. Let your child build important negotiation skills as they learn how to navigate their place among friends and peers. These skills will serve them in the workplace and in their relationships moving forward. 

When they are still trying and making some progress: If your child is frustrated, upset, or angry about a situation but still actively trying to find a solution, let them. Listen to them and ask, “What might you try next that’s different from what you’ve already done?” If they say they are out of ideas, brainstorm new ones together. Weigh the pros and cons of those ideas before they move forward with a new plan. 

When It’s Time to Step In

If it’s a safety or legal issue. A parent or caregiver should step in if there is an immediate threat to a child’s physical safety. Drug or alcohol use may rise to the level of needing to ensure your child’s safety. If they are considering getting involved in something illegal that could land them in trouble, offer the guidance they need to steer clear. That may mean offering at least a temporary solution to keep them safe. From there, you can work together towards solving the larger problem.

If conflict involves an imbalance of physical power or status with authority figures. This imbalance may make it seem impossible for your child to know how to get out of a situation where they are on the lower end of the balance scale. “Children and teens often experience feeling powerless when they need to advocate for themselves with adult authority figures, older family members, or even older or “popular” students. They may need a parent or other caring adult to help them understand the power dynamic and why they need adult support,” Dr. Ginsburg says.  

If emotions are out of control. If your child’s emotions have them spiraling out of control, it will be impossible for them to problem-solve themselves. An overwhelmed nervous system can’t come up with solutions. Help them get themselves into a calmer state. 

As much as we may want to “rescue” our children and keep them from feeling the pain that comes with challenges in their lives, when they struggle or even fail, that’s when they may learn. Trying again helps them build problem-solving skills. And if and when they succeed after working through their issues and finding solutions, they build more confidence. Over time, they also build resilience that will serve them well into the future.