How to Improve Hard Conversations With Your Teen

Having hard conversations with your teen can be, well, hard! But you can’t ignore them and hope problems will solve themselves or simply vanish. Your child may need your support or guidance to discover solutions for how to handle a situation. It’s important to model how to have difficult conversations yourself, and to have them with your children. Here are some ways to improve your chances of having successful outcomes when you have challenging conversations with your teen. 

Find the Time and Setting

When you have a tough conversation with your teen, you’ll want them to feel as comfortable as possible. That comfort helps make it easier for them to talk and share with you. You can use several tactics to start the conversation.

Set a time to talk. No teen wants to feel ambushed. Establish a clear time with your child in advance. Let them offer a time that works for them. 

Find a neutral spot. The conversation may go more smoothly in a place with no emotional meaning to either of you. Look for a spot in the home that offers some quiet and privacy. Or go outside to somewhere that feels comfortable. 

Avoid direct eye contact. Take a drive where you can talk side by side, or with one of you in the back seat and the other in the front. Walk together (bring the dog if you have one!) so you can talk while observing what’s going on around you and keep the pressure low. 

Turn mountains into molehills. If you are dealing with a big problem, don’t expect to solve everything in one sitting. Have shorter talks and break the problem into smaller, manageable pieces. 

Change Your Approach

Your teen knows you and how you typically handle your issues. Approach tough conversations differently. Let them know you are keeping an open mind and want to hear their perspective. Keep your tone and face calm. Then try some of these strategies. 

Ask open-ended questions. Show your child you are interested in what they say, even if you don’t agree. Consider asking questions like, “How did you come up with that idea?” Or ask, “Can you tell me more about that?” 

Resist the urge to lecture. This one can be really hard. But it’s important to listen without interrupting. Let them fully finish their thoughts. Do your best to avoid lectures, corrections, or pointing out flaws in what they are telling you. (Remember, you want them to keep talking to you.)  

Support their emotions – even if you dislike their choices. Even if you don’t agree with a choice they made, you can still acknowledge how they feel. Say, “I can understand why you would feel frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) about that.” 

What to do If Your Conversation Stalls

Sometimes, when you are talking, tempers can flare, but don’t let the conversation blow up. Instead, call a timeout and acknowledge what is happening. If losing your temper leads you to yell or raise your voice, apologize immediately and acknowledge that you shouldn’t have done so. Then say, “This conversation is getting heated. Let’s take a break, and we can come back and talk again when things have cooled down.” 

This break is about more than time. It is about getting settled yourself. A parent can co-regulate with their child and lend their calm only if they are calm themselves. Your child will balance your energy. Your anger may make them defensive, which can spiral into rage. Your judgment will trigger shame and shut down their willingness to disclose. Your frustration or feeling overwhelmed will leave them feeling powerless.  

On the other hand, your calm will be contagious and let them problem-solve thoughtfully.  Find a space, breathe deeply, and remind yourself that you can handle the situation. Even if you don’t have an immediate answer, know that your presence alone is healing.  Your best action may be to stand by your child and get them the professional help they deserve. You got this. When you know you do, and when your child is ready, come back together. 

When you return to talking, if there are no safety, health, behavioral, or legal concerns, offer solutions only if they ask. While you will need to step in if a situation is above your child’s developmental or emotional level, it’s important to avoid trying to “rescue” your child when things are tough. They need to know they can solve problems on their own. Sending this message to them now will set them up for success in adulthood.