Why Teens Need To Hear Reasons Behind Parents’ Rules

Rules are established and choices are made for many different and important reasons. But the old saying is true: Humans are not perfect. For parents, perfection may feel expected every day to ensure you’re taking the best possible care of your children. That means making rules and choices that you believe will lead to a healthy parent-teen relationship and allow them to thrive in the future. It is expected to hold yourself to a high standard, but it is also normal to make mistakes and fail. It is important to admit when you’ve made a mistake and be honest about it. Otherwise, you may create a barrier between yourself and your child. And when it comes to established rules, boundaries, choices, and decisions that impact your teen, it means being open to explaining why you’ve made them. 

Look to Your Behavior When Setting Examples

Getting upset at your child when they break a rule or do something outside of your set boundary is not the best way to influence their behavior. For example, suppose you get upset at your child for using bad language when you use it yourself, or you get mad at your child for smoking or drinking when you did the same at their age. In those cases, there’s a good chance it will backfire. I am not saying to let these behaviors slide. Instead, consider sharing that you have experience in the real world. I’m not saying they need details, but if you’ve had an experience that taught you a valuable lesson, think about sharing it.  After all, discipline means “to teach.” Calm, honest communication will help teens understand the lesson parents are trying to teach. It’s much better than a lecture.  

At a certain point, when your child becomes a teenager or young adult, they may stop accepting everything you say as the truth. They will want reasons for why you tell them to do something or to act in a certain way. If you refuse to explain why, they may feel you are out to control them. Then, they may shut down or shut you out. Everyone is left feeling upset. 

Understand Why Your Teen Questions You

When your teens question you, it may feel like they are questioning whether or not you are doing right by them. It can hurt to hear that when you are trying to keep them safe or teach them character, morals, virtues, or beliefs, but you must accept that they may question you. It’s not because they want to disrespect you. They want to understand you – that’s a good thing! Nobody ends up happy if you aren’t willing to have a conversation with them or explain your reasons behind certain rules, choices, or requests. 

Why Explanations Are Important

You want the best for your teen, but they don’t always listen to you. They ask you why you came to a certain conclusion or choice, and you get upset that you have to explain yourself. “Who are they to question me? I am the parent!” I have had this conversation with my mom, and she says she feels disrespected. On my end, though, I just want a reason. Most teens do. We are experiencing many new things and can now question the world. We feel like adults even though we aren’t. You may know that better than us. But consider this: an explanation isn’t giving in to your child’s demands; it’s just part of good parenting. Good parents have reasons behind their parenting choices. If you find yourself giving orders just because it feels like you should, you might want to take a step back and consider why you act the way you do. 

Make a Habit of Asking Yourself “Why?”

Get into the habit of asking yourself why you’ve made a choice or decision or set a rule. “Because I said so” is not a valid reason in your teen’s eyes, and you want your teens to recognize that you understand that. Think about how harmful it could be to them if they accept that they should do what adults tell them “because they said so.” Their safety in this world may rely on their ability to question what’s happening around them. Learning to question things is a natural part of growing up. Questioning yourself can be a self-check to ensure that whatever you ask your teenager to do is fair.

5 Actions to Take to Explain the Reasons Behind Your Rules

1. Ask Why. Ask yourself why you want your kid to do something. Asking yourself why is my favorite option to start with. 
2. Ask if they understand. Ask your child if they know why you are asking them to do something. Listen to their response to ensure they do.
3. Make suggestions. Try not to give orders. Rather try to offer suggestions. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements when making suggestions. Some examples are “I feel like…” or “When I heard that, I reacted like…” or “I am uncomfortable because…” or “What I experienced was….”
4. Be clear. Get in the habit of ending your requests and rules with a question like, “Does that make sense?” This will help ensure that you are both on the same page. 
5. Make it clear you care. If you have to set a firm rule, make sure your child knows it is because you care about them. It is not because you are trying to control them. 

Make it Easy

Parenting is hard, no doubt about it. There is no manual, and your kids will always be aware of that. Try to make it easier on yourself by being as transparent as possible. And remember, you do not need to be perfect in your child’s eyes. 

This article was written by Youth Advisory Board member Art Keys.