3 Reasons Why Not to Make Assumptions About Your Teen

Everyone makes assumptions at times. Assumptions are how our intuition helps us make sense of a situation. For example, it’s hard not to wonder what’s going on when your teen comes home, says little to nothing to you, walks into their room, and slams the door. It’s natural to assume that something happened. Maybe they fought with a friend. Maybe someone bullied them. Your mind starts to wonder about the possibilities, sometimes going to options worse than reality. 

So, you knock on their door to ask them what’s wrong. You get no response. You knock again, and this time they open their door, say, “Leave me alone,” and close it again. How should you read this situation? There’s a good chance you’re reading it wrong since you don’t have the background or the details. 

In reality, your child may have had a bad day at school and needs time to cool down. Maybe they are working on an intense project that requires concentration. Perhaps they are waiting for a text or call from a friend that hasn’t come, and they are feeling insecure. Jumping to conclusions can lead you to feel hurt, left out, angry, concerned, or defensive. But what your child may actually need is your quiet support, and some time to sort things out for themself. 

Instead of making assumptions, let your child know that you are there for them if they want to talk. Remind them that they can talk to you without fear of judgment. 

3 Reasons Not to Make Assumptions

Our teens want to know that we are entering the conversation with an open mind. Here are three reasons why you shouldn’t make assumptions about your teen. 

It could lead to communication breakdowns. Making assumptions can lead you to judge the situation before you know the facts. When that happens and you are wrong, it damages the trust in the relationship. Assuming things often leads to miscommunication. That can turn into arguments. It makes teens feel disrespected. Feeling a lack of trust and respect may drive them away from coming to you for guidance or help. 

To encourage better communication and avoid conflict, start by being open to viewpoints different than yours. Even if your teen doesn’t share your views on a specific situation, two-way communication can help move things forward. Listen to them and really hear what they have to say. Consider compromising with their ideas. Let them know that regardless of your point of view, you respect what they’re saying.  

Assumptions could reinforce harmful self-fulfilling prophecies and stereotypes. When adults accept stereotypes about teens and treat them as rebellious, lazy, or irresponsible, teens take in these labels. When they hear them again and again, they may act exactly as they believe people expect. Some research shows that when adolescents grow to believe negative stereotypes about themselves, it can lead to higher rates of engagement in risky behaviors or less ability to control their decisions. 

Don’t let yourself play into stereotypes about teens. And don’t say them aloud to your teens. Instead, look for the best in your teen every time. 

Missed signals could lead to more serious issues later.  When adults write off a teen’s withdrawal, sadness, or fatigue as a teenager’s mood or laziness, they may miss other mental health challenges that the teen may be experiencing, such as anxiety or depression. Negative expectations can also make us look for or interpret information that matches what we already believe while ignoring facts that don’t agree with our beliefs. This could lead you to miss important moments or underlying issues when a teen needs your support. 

Instead, know your teen and their habits. Work to become the kind of parent they will confide in when they’re facing a challenge, feeling overwhelmed, and need a sounding board.  

So, when it comes to your teen, check any preconceived assumptions at the door. Sometimes your teens will want you to listen to them when they are ready to talk. Only by listening will you learn the truth. Sometimes they will need to figure things out on their own.