When Parents Should Consider a Smartphone for Their Children

Dr. Michael Rich has earned his nickname – the “Mediatrician.” He assists adolescents struggling with the use of interactive media and developmental issues related to screens in their lives. Dr. Rich is the founding director of the Digital Wellness Lab and the Clinic for Interactive Media and Internet Disorders at Boston Children’s Hospital, and associate professor of Pediatrics at Harvard Medical School. 

In part 3 of our 4-part series, I spoke with Dr. Rich about when your child may be ready (or not) for a smartphone, the role of smartphones in schools, and ways parents can and should be involved in their children’s digital lives. If you missed the first two installments, go back and read part 1 and part 2.

Eden Pontz: We often hear from parents asking, “How can I know when my child is ready to have a smartphone?” What are some markers parents should consider, and what are some red flags?

Michael Rich: Almost always, children are asking for a smartphone long before they actually get one. One of the good questions to ask your child is, “Why do you want it?” The answer is often, “Because everyone else has one.” But that is not respecting the phone or using it as a tool. That is wanting it because it’s a status symbol that you have to have, so you fit in.

Many parents want their children to fit in. The problem is that they’re handing a very powerful tool to their child. Think about that. Would you give them a chainsaw because they want one and everyone else has one?

Think about the smartphone as something that can give them a lot of freedom and power, but also can cause harm, either intentionally or unintentionally, to themselves or others. This is about knowing your child. There is no magic age at which a child can manage a smartphone. You know that child better than anyone. Some kids can manage them earlier than 13, and many cannot manage them until they’re much older.

One of the problems with using age as a milestone for when a teen gets a smartphone or social media is that any age is arbitrarily set, a judgment call by the parent. Ages that have been suggested are not based on scientific evidence but on social milestones like the end of middle school, assuming that every child is the same. But developmental science and life experience show that every child is not the same.

The concept of “age-appropriate” is problematic because the word “appropriate” is a values-laden term. What is considered appropriate in one neighborhood, for example, may be very different in another neighborhood. What we look for is what is developmentally optimal for this young person? We need to be able to see our children as the individuals they are. And to sit down with them and establish their relationships with these powerful tools rather than hand them to them as rewards for getting straight As or take them away from them as a punishment. 

I have seen many more young people harmed by their own online behaviors than those harmed by others online.

EP: Many communities are debating whether we should prohibit kids from having smartphones in school. What’s your take? 

MR: We must focus on the goals of school and the role that smartphones can play in reaching those goals. Smartphones are clearly a distraction from learning content and skills: math, science, English, and other subjects; many schools already have phone restrictions during instructional time. But in school, even more important learning is of the “people skills” they will use much more and much longer. The social-emotional learning that occurs as they establish themselves as individuals in this society of their own making can be disrupted by smartphones that allow constant contact with parents or others outside the school community. If Mom or Dad can call or text and ask, “How did you do on that quiz? Do I need to talk to your teacher?” “Is that kid still picking on you in the lunchroom?” Kids never get to confront and solve these challenges for themselves.

EP: What should parents be doing to model using a smartphone?  

MR: What parents should be doing with their smartphones is what they want their kids to be doing with their smartphones. Model the behavior you want to see in your child. Show them ways to use this powerful tool and learn from them what they know and you don’t. When they find something, when they’re giggling at something they see on the phone, ask them to share it with you, and vice versa. Be as present in their digital lives as you are in their physical lives. 

For example, some people say Snapchat snap streaks are a waste of time – and many are. But I’ve met a dad who kept a snap streak with his daughter when she went off to college. He did this so he could be in touch with her every day in a small way. They’re using tech to share life experiences – together. We need to follow their example and use these tools, applications, and platforms as ways to enhance and extend our humanity, rather than diminish it.

EP: What are some ways that parents can and should be involved in children’s digital lives?

MR: We need to learn to live well in this digital environment, to be the kinds of humans we want to be, and help our kids become the kinds of humans they want to be. What we need to do is be conscious of the fact that the internet influences youth, and there are influencers out there.  Some are paid a lot of money for their influence. In fact, becoming an influencer is the number one career goal of teenagers right now. They influence users to buy or behave in ways that benefit them or those who pay them. Unfortunately, many young people use the interactive media space not to connect, but to market themselves to the world. It is important that we help our kids use these tools and live in these environments in authentic, empathetic ways. To do so, we must help them become digitally literate – to decode and find the truth in what they’re seeing and hearing – and digitally fluent, in presenting their authentic, complete selves in ways that enable receivers to see their true selves and hear their true feelings.

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In the final part of our series, we discuss the need for media literacy, dealing with social media, sharing online, and AI in our children’s lives.

To learn more from Dr. Rich, check out his book, The Mediatrician’s Guide: A Joyful Approach to Raising Healthy, Smart, Kind Kids in a Screen-Saturated World.