Why Mattering Is Key to Our Wellbeing

When journalist and New York Times bestselling author, Jennifer Wallace, conducted research for her book about achievement culture, she was struck by a concept that came up again and again – the concept of “mattering.” As she interviewed many children who were thriving despite the pressure they felt in their environments, she discovered something they had in common. Each revealed they had a strong level of mattering in their lives. They said they felt valued for who they were and knew they added value back into the world around them. In other words, they mattered.

She also heard from adults and was surprised to learn that, now that they had kids in their teens, they often felt they didn’t matter. Wallace began to realize the need for a firm sense of mattering before being able to foster it in others. That realization inspired her latest book, “Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose.” I spoke with Wallace about why mattering is a fundamental need for both teen and adult wellbeing, and how to ensure you matter. The interview was edited for brevity and clarity.

Eden Pontz: Hi, Jennifer. Let’s dive right in. Tell us what you mean by the term mattering.

Jennifer Wallace:  I define mattering the way researchers define it, feeling valued by your family, your friends, your colleagues, and your community, and having a chance to add value back to them. Mattering acts like a kind of righteous cycle. The more you feel valued, the more likely you are to add value. And the more you add value, the more you feel valued.

EP: Is there a formula for mattering?

JW: In my mind, there’s a kind of “formula” for mattering. Mattering equals feeling valued plus adding value.

EP: How might that formula play out in a young person’s life?

JW: I remember when I was in high school, I went to a large school, and I felt a little bit invisible, to be honest. A wise teacher noticed this and matched me up with a student who was struggling in Spanish. For the first time, I felt seen and valuable. And in that way, because I was useful to other people, because I was adding value to somebody else, I started to feel valued. Sometimes we feel like we have to feel valued in order to add value. But sometimes adding value can be the pathway to feeling valued.

The core ingredients to mattering fall under a framework I’ve called “S.A.I.D.” It stands for significance, appreciation, feeling invested in, and feeling dependent on. What struck me in my interviews with so many people when I asked, “Tell me a time when you felt like you mattered,” was that it was never life’s big moments. It was the small ones. It was a neighbor coming by with a pot of soup when they were sick or a friend checking in after a particularly rough week.

We, as social beings, crave to matter in the everyday and feel significant in the mundane of our lives. So that is what it means to feel “significant.” I’ve come to think of it as appreciating the doer behind the deed. So, let’s say you have a friend who’s always so great at getting the group together. Instead of thanking them for organizing such a fun night, a way of fostering a sense of “appreciation” and mattering in them is saying, “You know, you are the glue that keeps us together. We are so lucky as a group to have you and to have your organizational skills. You keep us close.”

I stands for “invested in,” having people in your life who are invested in your well-being and goals, and also for you to be invested in their well-being and their goals. And D is feeling “dependent” on or relied upon. It’s the idea that you have people in your life that you can call on when you need help, and that there are people in this world that rely on you, that the world is better because you are a part of it. It’s the psychological safety of knowing we are not going through this world alone.

EP: What are some things that tweens, teens, and young adults might need to consider that could impact their ability to matter to others in their lives?

JW: Coming out of COVID, we’ve developed a kind of flake culture – that’s what I call it. The idea that people feel comfortable about canceling plans at the last minute or not showing up. If you are feeling like you don’t matter in your relationships, use this as a test. When you say you’re gonna show up for a friend, or make plans with someone, do you follow through? Or do you cancel at the last minute? I will tell you that one of the fastest ways to build trust in a relationship is to follow through. When you say you’re going to meet somebody somewhere, when you say you’re going to do something, show up. That is what sets the groundwork for deep, nourishing friendships to thrive.

So many young people today, and frankly many adults, get into what you might call a mattering trap on social media, which is the idea that they can feel a sense of mattering by gathering up likes and followers. That is not true mattering. That’s what I call a false mattering, a counterfeit mattering.

Deep nourishing mattering comes from real relationships where people have a stake in our wellbeing, are invested in us, and depend on us. The same goes for us. We need people in real life that we can rely on and depend on. Don’t get caught up in this mattering trap of social media and getting these false ideas that mattering is found there.

EP: Why is it important to matter to yourself in addition to others?

JW: So many people that I interviewed for my book talked about this idea of mattering too much. Maybe they were parents, caretakers, educators, who were so important to meeting everyone else’s needs. They knew they mattered, but their needs were never prioritized.

That is not true mattering. True mattering requires balance, balancing our own needs with the needs of others. What I would say to you is, think about one need that you need to meet each day. It could be getting on the phone with your best friend for 30 minutes. It could be going for a 30 minute walk. It could be spoiling yourself for 30 minutes with a cozy book, or a delicious cup of coffee. Really prioritize your own needs once a day. When we do this, and tune into our own needs and meet them, even when we’re busy, that’s when we’re able to show up as our best selves for the people who rely on us.

EP: What are some actionable steps or mattering practices teens can take to help ensure that they matter both to themselves and to others? 

JW: If you are wondering how much you matter, if you’re not sure about it, here’s a simple practice. Every night when you’re closing your eyes to go to sleep, ask yourself these two questions: When today did I feel valued, even in a small way? And when today did I add value, even in a small way? We are all wired by evolution with what researchers call a negativity bias, which means that the negative things in life, the criticism, our failures, our mess ups, are stickier. They stick to our brains and the good things in life kind of slip away. They don’t really register. This simple 30 seconds practice is a way of overriding that negativity and looking for the good of when we felt valued and where we added value, even just in small ways.

EP: What are some actionable steps that parents can take to help both model mattering for their children and also ensure that they matter?

JW: So what we know from decades worth of resilience research is that our children’s resilience

is rooted in the resilience of the adults in their lives. And our resilience is rooted in deep, nourishing relationships that deliver on that sense of mattering. So the best thing you could do for your child is to find one or two people in your life that you can be honest with, that you could be vulnerable with, and that will be vulnerable with you, and prioritize that time. Prioritize, write it into your calendar, just like you would a dentist appointment. What you will find is that your resilience is rooted in those relationships and those relationships stay healthy and strong when we prioritize them each week.

EP: What would you tell a parent or an adult caregiver if they said they don’t feel like they matter in their children’s lives?

JW: There’s this myth that parents get replaced by teens in their teen’s friendships, but we as parents still have influence over our children. We gain that influence when we treat them like the emerging adults that they are. If you’re wondering if you still matter in your child’s life, the answer is yes. Yes, you matter. Yes, show up. Yes, knock on that door if they are in their bedroom and ask if they want to go for a walk or do something that might appeal to them. Stay in the relationship. You still have influence. You still matter to your child.