Help Build Your Teen’s Identity When Their Brain Works Differently

We are all different. There are differences in brain function and behavioral traits—a newer term called neurodiversity describes this difference in all of us. However, the term neurodiversity is usually used to apply to people who have a neurological diagnosis. Discussing with your teenager how they view their neurodiversity may help them on the path to understanding their identity. 

A critical part of development for teenagers is to determine their identity. This is not any different for those who consider themself neurodivergent. Your neurodivergent teen is a teen first, and, like all teenagers, will focus a lot of energy and thought on the central question that forms our identity, “Who am I?” However, due to their neurodivergence, it may pose additional challenges for them as they seek to understand their identity. All parents support adolescent identity development when they acknowledge and validate this time of self-discovery and encourage their teens to seek and discover their identity. If you are a parent of a neurodivergent child, your emphasis on appreciating your child’s differences is critical to their self-acceptance, which in turn predicts an easier path to healthy identity development. 

Diagnosis is Not an Identity

As a parent, you may already appreciate that developing an identity is not the same as a medical diagnosis, which often occurs by meeting predetermined criteria of symptoms or behaviors to qualify for that diagnosis. An identity doesn’t require a medical professional. More importantly, as an adolescent seeks their identity, a parent can help their teen see the difference  between a neurodevelopmental or mental health diagnosis and their identity. For example, a teenager may recognize that they have some autistic traits but may not meet the criteria for an autism disorder. As such, they may identify themselves as someone with Autism but not have the medical diagnosis of Autism. In this circumstance, it is better to support their identification with other neurodivergent individuals without pursuing multiple medical professionals for a validating diagnosis.

What to Encourage In Your Neurodivergent Teen

A parent can encourage their neurodivergent child to pursue hobbies and passions that excite them instead of pushing them towards traditional or neurotypical experiences. In fact, hoping your child will fit into a box in which they cannot fit can be deeply unsettling to them and make them feel like a failure or even that they are failing you. Misunderstandings can be disruptive to your relationship. Instead, act as a cheerleader who accepts and celebrates their unique interests as strengths. This way, they’ll see you as a supportive guide as they discover their purpose.

As a parent, don’t underestimate your ability to influence the development of your teen’s identity. You can nurture your child’s identity by providing emotional support, encouraging independence, supporting exploration and taking risks, maintaining open communication, modeling acceptance, respecting diversity, setting boundaries, and discussing societal influences.  

Promote Caring and Sharing

The next level of support is to promote self-advocacy and empower them to find and share their identity and purpose. The first step is to hold conversations regarding what matters most to your teen and how to communicate. Then, a caregiver and a developing teen can work together to find common areas of interest. These times of interactive connection can be fulfilling and allow for shared experiences in building your relationship. Learning communication skills is often challenging; the central objective is to help young people express their needs, advocate for them effectively, and understand their strengths and challenges. Frequently, this can occur at home or in other safe places where role-playing scenarios can occur, such as modeling, advocating for themselves, and then being encouraged and celebrated when it happens in real-life situations. For example,  your teenage daughter loves art but struggles to advocate for her needs, especially in school. During a dinner conversation, she stated that she needed more time to finish her artwork in class. Together, you can role-play scenarios where she asks the teacher for more time before or after school to work on her art project.

The next day, she timidly asks her teacher for more time, and the teacher agrees. You celebrate this success and build upon it. Over time, with more discussions and practice, you help her develop self-advocacy skills, strengthen her confidence, and improve your relationship.

Before encouraging growth and seeing the relationship develop, a parent must create a safe space. These spaces can occur at home, on walks, during dinner, or at bedtime. During these special times of connection, a parent can encourage self-reflection while affirming their individuality.

Recruiting additional support is critical. Connecting children with positive role models and supportive communities can further develop their identities. Neurodivergent peer support groups exist to help each child learn that they are not alone. Finding opportunities and experiences with groups that share interests may take time and work.

There will be progress and growth on this journey and also times when it appears you have taken some steps backward. Recognizing and celebrating small steps on their path of self-discovery is essential. Avoid focusing solely on traditional milestones and unrealistic expectations and value the journey as much as the desired outcome.

Establishing an identity is an ongoing journey, not a destination. Your role is guiding and supporting, not defining their identity for them. Learning active listening principles, such as paying attention, deferring judgment, being patient, looking for nonverbal cues, and asking questions, is the key to optimizing your relationship. This type of relationship will allow you to understand your teen’s perspective through their eyes. This type of healthy respectful relationship positions all parents, regardless of whether their children are neurodivergent or neurotypical,  to have enduring relationships and to serve as guides to their children for years to come.

This article was written by Dr. Eric Flake. Eric Flake is a developmental behavioral pediatrician that celebrates neurodivergence. For over 20 years he has worked to help military families get the necessary support and education to help their children.