5 Ways To Ensure You Matter

When children enter the tween and teen years, changes often come on fast and furious. Around that same time, parents are bombarded by messages from other adults, and even their own kids, suggesting they give their children more independence and let them figure things out on their own. It can leave parents feeling like they aren’t needed the way they used to be – that they don’t matter as much. That couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Instill a Sense of “Mattering”

Teens want guidance from their parents and family members despite messages to the contrary. Jennifer Breheny Wallace, a journalist and bestselling author, wrote a book about achievement culture among teens. As she interviewed parents and teens, she repeatedly heard from people that they needed to matter. She heard from many young people that they felt successful because they felt valued by others around them. Yet, many of the adults she spoke with said that they felt more alone, insignificant, less important, and didn’t seem to matter much when their children reached adolescence.  

If parents want to instill a sense of “mattering” in their children, they must first feel they matter themselves. That realization led to her latest book, “Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose.” It examines the fundamental need for teen and adult wellbeing, and how to ensure you matter. 

Learn the “Mattering” Formula

Researchers define mattering as feeling valued by those around you, including family, friends, colleagues, and others in the community. It also includes the ability to add value back into the world around you. We all need to believe that we matter because feeling otherwise can impact our health and well-being. Mattering includes the idea that the world is a better place because you are part of it. 

Wallace says the “formula” for mattering is simple: mattering equals feeling valued + adding value. She developed a framework for mattering that includes feeling significant in your family and community, being appreciated by others, and feeling invested in and depended on. You have the power to take action and make choices to help ensure you matter. 

5 Tips To Help Ensure You Matter: 

1. Don’t be a flake with your friends. Wallace says in the post-COVID world, a “flake culture” has developed in which people feel too comfortable not showing up or canceling plans at the last minute. If you say you’ll be there for a friend, follow through. It’s one of the best ways to build trust in a relationship. And it helps foster relationships where you’ll matter to someone else. 
2. Avoid “mattering traps.” Getting clicks, likes, comments, or followers on social media may make you feel like you matter, but this isn’t true mattering. Wallace refers to this as “false” or “counterfeit” mattering. Truly mattering to someone comes from developing relationships in which others have a stake in our well-being. They are invested in and will depend on us when needed. You also need people who matter to you – that you can rely on and depend on. That doesn’t happen by relying on people from your social media accounts. 
3. Find balance in your “mattering.” Mattering requires balancing our own needs with those of others. If you never prioritize your own needs because you are worried about how much you matter to others, you will never bring the best of yourself to others when they have to depend on you. You shouldn’t be meeting everyone else’s needs at the sacrifice of your own. Wallace suggests prioritizing your own needs once a day, even if you’re busy.
4. Let others know they matter. Wallace suggests telling others something great about them that matters to you. When you let them know, you empower them to contribute to the world in positive ways. “Let them unleash their magic,” Wallace says. That “magic” comes back to you as part of their community. 
5. Train your brain to know you matter. If you’re still unsure about whether you matter, Wallace suggests a simple practice. Before going to bed each night, ask yourself two questions. First, “When did I feel valued today, even in a small way?” Follow that with, “When did I add value today, even in a small way?” Our brains are wired to focus on the negative things and failures in our lives. This is known as “negativity bias.” The bad things remain front of mind while the good things sort of float away. Asking these questions helps you train yourself to override that negativity and look for moments when you feel valued and when you add value. 

As a parent or caregiver, you still have the ability to influence your child even if it doesn’t seem so at the moment. Model the importance of mattering by showing up for others in need. Respect your child. Be there for them when they need you. Ask them questions and really listen to their answers. Then, learn what makes your child unique. Look for their strengths and show them how you appreciate them. See them as a contributing member of your family, and help them practice being good citizens at home so they can go on to become great citizens in your community. 

How Your Teen Learns They Matter

You know how you might matter most to your child? When they know they matter to you.  You don’t have to find the perfect words; you have to show up. You have to keep seeing all that is good and right about them, especially when they may not see it themselves. As Dr. Ken Ginsburg, founder of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, says, “Why do we love?  So our children know they are worthy of being loved.  Why do we keep showing up? So our children learn that we will never give up on them and they can always count on our reliable presence.” Parent in this way, and you’ll matter in the life of your child for decades to come. 

This is true, even if your teen may not always tell you so.

Encourage Giving Back  

Encourage your young person to contribute back to their community to help them feel they matter as well. Contribution and volunteering keep things in perspective by helping them see past their own challenges. With a sense of purpose, tweens and teens know they matter. It also makes them more likely to ask for help during times when they’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed. 

Your relationship will keep you mattering to each other throughout your lives. Some more great news, the more you feel valued and that you matter, the more likely you are to add value to others around you. And the more you add value, the more you feel valued and matter to others in your life.