6 Ways to Support Foster Youth

I was a young person in foster care until I aged out of “the system” at the age of 18. Then I was faced with a hard truth: not only was I not prepared to live on my own, but I also had not built a community or done the work to maintain what little community I did have. I wasn’t sure how to maintain relationships or boundaries within relationships to keep myself safe or mentally well. I stumbled a lot. I fell off the wagon of adulthood and fell behind my peers. 

There was only one phone number I knew with certainty at that time: my mom’s. I called, and she answered. She continues to answer every time, even 15 years later. And she doesn’t just answer for me but for every one of the daughters that have come into her life. I met my mom and my family when I was 14. While they did not give birth to me, they have wiped the most tears off my cheeks. They have seen me fall so many times. And even when I was being what must have felt impossible at the time, they stood with me every step of the way. They celebrated every win with me. Today, when something good happens, big or small, they are the people I want to call. I was “Adult Adopted” on my 24th birthday. I walked into a surprise birthday dinner to find my family, my friends, my coworkers, and my whole community that I had built over 10 years. I couldn’t believe it! Never had I had such constant people in my life.

Navigating relationships is never easy. It can be a lot of work. But one thing is for sure – you must show up as authentic and willing to understand, just as you would be with your best friend. It doesn’t mean you should be their best friend — they need you to be an adult — but use that for a reference if needed. Young people need at least one caring adult in their lives to make a difference. I was fortunate to be placed in a home with a caring adult. It wasn’t always that way, and there were some homes in which, looking back, I wish various foster parents had done more to help support me, but I now realize it may not have been that easy. So, here are six essential ways to support foster youth in your home and even when they are well into young adulthood.

1. Empower Personal Growth & Identity

Some of the hardest parts of our lives come in adolescence. It’s a time when everyone has, or will, spend plenty of time trying to figure themselves out. It is a confusing time by any standard, even more so for a young person who has faced adversity. For youth navigating the foster care system, many cards have been stacked against them, but one thing has been proven to help. You – the people who are foster parents, caregivers, and caretakers. Cooking meals with my foster mom was some of the best times at home. I felt involved and empowered. On the nights it was just the two of us cooking, we used those moments to have heart-to-heart talks that helped us bond. It’s been more than ten years since I have lived with her, but I still cook some of the dishes she taught me.

2. Be the Foundation for Your Foster Child

You can be a potential foundation for young people to start building on. This is important because no matter how shaky the building may be or how hard the bricks fall when they fall (when, not if), it will be much easier to start building again if there is a constant they may have never had before. They need you, and they need you to be exactly who you are.

3. Look for Learning Moments

An awesome opportunity to authentically show up for your young person is to support their transition into an interdependent adulthood. No one can do life alone! Look for things that are natural learning moments that you can share together. Make a meal together. Go for a walk together. Watch a TV show together. The possibilities are endless when you think about how day-to-day life is full of teachable moments for someone who may not see it so clearly. 

For example, a flat tire may seem like a bad day for most of us, but imagine how many things go into changing a flat tire that can create teachable moments to share. There is:

• Budget Establish if we have the money to do this ourselves, or call a professional to fix the leak or get a new one.
• Resources What do you do when there is no or very little money to work with?
• Appointment Scheduling What time works best for you with what you have to do and what you need to get done?
• Time Management What time was the appointment you were on your way to, and what may you need to move around to get there on time?
• Delegating Flat tires do not happen when you have nowhere to go! Can you delegate delayed responsibilities while dealing with the tire?
• Communication Skills What happens if you can’t make that appointment now? Some calls may need to be made.
• Familial Support Sometimes you have to call Dad or Mom. Sometimes you have to be the dad or mom they call.

Nothing humbles like a flat tire on a highway! But show young people how to move through life with humility. I still call my dad anytime I have a flat, and I can even call my mom if needed. (Although her first response is usually “Call Dad.”) If they can’t help, who do I call next? Who do you call? There are so many moments, and no one will move through all of life with grace. If we fly, we may fall. You show us how to get back up, but most importantly, how to fall safely so we can get back up. Help us create a safety net to help push us back up if we can’t get up on our own.

4. Establish Clear Expectations

Another way to be authentic while showing up for your young person is to be clear about what you expect in different situations. Touch your nose! What do you picture when you read that? A finger touching a nose? What if I expected you to use a blue pen while wearing a glove and touching your nose? Did you do all of that? No? Well, that is too bad. Now you need to go pack all your bags and move out of your house by tonight. What? Not fair, right? That is how unstable the system can be for some young people. Be clear. No one likes invisible expectations. Save time on miscommunications. Less miscommunication = more time to spend on the same page. At times, young people will push you and your expectations to the boundaries. They may teach you just as much as you teach them. And behind every moment will be the same question – how far along this road will you be riding with me?

5. Ensure Stability & Long-Term Support

Young people going through life regardless of adversity, but especially because of it all, crave the same thing: a lasting connection. People are not disposable. They are meant to be there for the long ride. Would you jump out of a car going 80 miles per hour? Me neither! Don’t leave young people in the middle of a spin-out. Show them how to slow down. And if they need it, offer to take the wheel and let them catch their breath in the passenger seat! As long as they know that you are somewhere in the car, even if the music is blasting and both of you are too angry to talk, show them that you are there. And make sure they know that they always have a spot in your car! Try to avoid decision-making in an emotionally charged situation. And most importantly, show them that not every goodbye means forever and not every goodbye has to be bad; sometimes things do not work out, and it is okay to walk away in a way that is meaningful and healthy.

6. Strengthen Community & Connections

Family comes in all shapes and sizes. They are custom-made for us. They are the people we decide to let into our lives. Young people are no different when it comes to picking friends. Do you have that one best friend? We all have that “I have a favor to ask” friend. Who is that friend you are painting a house with, or the friend who will help you fix a leaky sink (or help you call a plumber)? Regardless of whether your community is a small, tight-knit group or if it can fill a stadium, help young people find their friends, too. Show them how to stay connected to their community. Take them to church, the local skate park, the bank to open their first bank account, the local community college, or sign up for a karate class.  Anything can be a teachable moment. Life has a way of handing us some hard lessons, but with just one person rooting for you, you can get through almost anything! Lean on your people, and be someone others can lean on, too.

Think of these six essential things as spices in a soup. It is not the meat and the potatoes, but the spices that make the dish unique. They can help you and your young people work through things they will likely face moving into adulthood, but the meat and potatoes – that’s you. My mom wasn’t always my mom. She started as someone I could count on, who refused to leave, and even when I left, she kept the door open. Our relationship is beyond what “the system” could provide. It happened every day and over time, not all at once, and not just in foster care. A great part of our relationship started after I was 18, but that was because that was what I needed. 

Every young person is different, and you can’t promise to always be their parent or caretaker, but you can promise to always keep that spot open in your car for them. If I could wish anything for young people in care, it is that they have someone like my mom and that they can feel safe long enough to accept that kind of love and support. 

Just because your young person is navigating the system does not mean their life has to be run like a system. 

This article was written by Mira Ramirez, a passionate advocate with lived experience in foster care. She has spent over a decade working with child welfare systems and nonprofits to uplift youth voices, promote healing, and share tools for understanding trauma and the adolescent brain.